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School Shenanigans

Ugh... the end of the semester always is... annoying. Usually, this is the point where my procrastinating catches up with me, and I have to write 42 things before next Wednesday. Amazingly enough, this is still true! But nothing's late yet, so there's that being useful. I just have to work like a madman over the next couple of days. And by next couple of days, I mean sunday, because I know I won't do anything until then. So... Wish me luck!

Long Time No See

It's been quite a while since I've posted in here. I feel like I should give a quick update, in case there's someone on here who hasn't already heard this news, before I try to force myself back into the habit of posting my innermost secrets for the void to see. So, here goes.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, my Dad died in October. I kinda feel bad that I probably gave a better memorial on my blog for a friend of mine, than for my own Father, but I suppose it's one of those cases where you have to wait, and let your feelings settle before you can talk about it with anything resembling coherency. I'd like to say I've dealt with it in the past six months... and I have, to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I'm completely over it. Nor, as my psychologist keeps saying, should I be. It's not really a constant thing... sometimes, I'll be fine for weeks and weeks, and then a Bruce Springsteen song will come on, or Easter will roll around, and I'll suddenly start feeling like slightly rewarmed shit again.

One thing that's helped me get through it, and that's my friends and family. And, probably most importantly, my girlfriend. Yes, sometime in the silence, I managed to con some wonderful girl into dating me, and she's been... well, amazing. We met at MCC, and started dating around four months ago. I still have to pinch myself occasionally, so... make of that what you will.

Beyond that, I'm still slowly working my way through MCC. I should be able to graduate next semester, and then, we'll have to see. I'm going to try and transfer to a four-year, though I'm not sure where. Should be interesting regardless.

Insomnia and LJ Posting

You know... posting these things at four in the morning, when I'm feeling sleep deprived but not quite tired enough to sleep is probably a bad idea. But then again, it seems to be the only time in the past three months when I've gotten up the willpower to actually post. To think... I started this thinking I'd update Daily... but then again, there's not really enough going on in my life to warrant posts, really. Or, what is important enough, I don't necessarily feel like spreading around the internet... and I promised myself when I started this, I wouldn't lock anything away, because if I couldn't say stuff to people's faces, what the heck was I doing saying it in the first place?

That last sentence seems almost hypocritical to me, looking back. I've complained freely about people, either relying on the fact that Nobody reads this damned thing, or couching things in vauge terms, so no one can say I've really maligned them... Even the few people I've mentioned by name, I've done solely because I know they won't read... it's a sad fact of life, but that's the way it goes. It's funny, too, to think of how my friends group has changed... When I started, I barely had any friends on here. It died off quickly because of that... and then someone came along and revived my interest. She's since moved on (It sounds so much better than saying that she burned her bridges with me, and wouldn't let me rebuild them), but I'm still peripherally involved with people she's introduced me to. Now a days, I've barely got a smattering of people, some of them I barely talk to, others who I barely go a day without running into... It's so very interesting to me, really... even if it does make me feel a bit lonely.

Of course, it also makes me wonder what I'm still doing up, writing this, but I've got a fair idea... my sleep schedule is sooo screwed up right now, and unfortunately, I don't know if I'm going to be able to bang it back together, into shape...

With tiredness, and maybe a little hope, Wally

How it goes...

Today, I was reminded why I love my parents so much. I don't argue with my parents very often, so today was off to a bad start when I did so almost immediately. The topic we argued about doesn't really matter, just that we did, and we were both a bit right. The thing that reminded me so much that I love my mom, though, is that after a while... she came back and apologized. Not about the initial topic we were talking about, but about some side things I'd brought up because they had annoyed me for a while. And that... that's good to hear. It lets me know that what I was saying wasn't just hitting a brick wall, but was being heard... even if it didn't feel like it at the time. And caring about me enough to give me that reassurance, is why I love them too.

Life, unpredicted

So... Life has been pretty interesting lately. I just finished up this semester, and now I have to worry about another. Honestly, I don't even know what classes I'll be taking... and I've got to finish registering for it soon. I'm also planning on moving into the dorms, since that's going to happen sooner or later... and I'd rather sooner, if I have to. I just have to hope I'm ready for the responsibility.

On a slightly happier note, I've rejoined a roleplaying community I should have gotten back to months ago. Granted, it appears to have worked out, and I'm enjoying playing the character in my user pic again, but I still feel like I let them down by not being there. Sigh... oh well, that's life for you. I put it off, and now my character has to deal with the consequences. Still, it's fun, and I hope I don't ever have to leave it again...

I'm slowly moving past a crush I've harbored for a long time. I'm also trying to make sure that I'm not just transferring that obsession onto someone else, though I think I may be overly worried about that. I just... don't want to treat someone badly because I'm trying to pretend they're someone else. I don't think that's what's happening in either case, but... I'm a bit scared of myself sometimes. I don't always know  how I feel, and that feeling of not knowing is terrifying. Still, dealing with that is just part of life, in the end.

So, overall... this has been an interesting semester, should be an interesting summer (assuming someone drags me out of my shell), and then... well, we'll have to see.

-Wally Caine

Rossum's Fun Time

Why the hell do I have to keep such a tight hold on my emotions? Why can't I ever manage to say what I really feel, at least not when it seems to matter? I just so damned used to holding everything inside... and I don't even know why I bother with it. Am I that scared of the reaction? Or is it just because it's a habit, and it's easier to keep it up than to bother to change? I don't know if I really accept that. It's not to say that I never let my emotions out. it's only the "bad" emotions that I find nearly impossible to show in public. Anger, jealousy... why is it so much harder to express those than plastering a smile on my face and pretending to be happy? The problem, of course, is that just because I don't express them out loud doesn't mean I don't feel them... and the more I get them backed up in side me, the worse it feels when they finally get out. And meanwhile, while I'm busy suppressing myself, I end up coming across as a god damned robot, because people don't think I can feel anything passionately. I guess this is another one of the ones that doesn't end with an answer, but instead with a question. Why can't I just be me?

And So It Goes

What can I say? Life's been both good and bad to me lately. I want to complain, but really, the only thing I have to complain about is that I always end up caring too much. Whether it's about other people's problems, or just caring for someone else too much, I invest myself too much... and usually end up, if not hurt because of it, at least drained. At the same time... caring about other people is a large part of who I am. I suppose it's a good thing that I can't just divest myself of that part of my personality, even if there's really nothing I can do to help. I guess it mostly comes down to wishing that I could accept the fact that I can't change something just a little bit easier. "The Courage to change the things I can, the Serenity to accept the things I can't, and the Wisdom to know the difference." I usually feel a bit short on all three.

-Wally C.


Recently, I've been feeling like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going, but the ride has been strange enough by far. Part of that, of course, is because I'm getting answers I'm not expecting. I know what to do with a straight up no. I would be surprised, but able to deal with an unconditional yes. But when the only answer I get is more questions, about half of which lead me in different directions, I'm completely lost. I don't know what to think. I should know what to do, but it's difficult to remember to calm down and meditate when I feel completely off center. Of course, that's when I need it the most, so... I guess I just need to make it a habit. Here's to hoping nothing else knocks me off balance soon.

-Wally C.

Musical Ventures

Well, it's been a long time since I've actually bothered to do one of my silly writing exercises... so I feel like starting one up here. For those unaware, the basic premise is that I shuffle through my ipod/music player, and write about whatever songs come up while they're playing. I always find it an interesting look into my psyche, or at least a decent excuse to put something up without any content whatsoever.

If you want to sing out, sing outCollapse )

So It Goes

Ugh... I'm frustrating myself too much lately. I've been stressing myself out, and I'm not entirely sure how to stop. Usually my answer would be to get away from the source of the frustration/stress, but... since the frustration is mostly my fault, and the person who's causing it probably isn't even aware they're causing it, it seems unfair to avoid one of my best friends up here just because I can't deal with my own feelings. I'd try at least limiting my time around her, but my traitorous mind always agrees to whatever's suggested before I even think about putting it off slightly. I've only got myself to blame, but that doesn't stop my neck from knotting up or my emotions from feeling like they've gone through the ringer after I head home. While I'm there, of course, everything is fine... it's only when I've got time to myself to think that I end up beating myself up over it. I suppose that's one of the reasons I've been avoiding being all alone, while still not necessarily wanting to be around people.  Sigh... I've just gotta suck it up and deal, I suppose. Usually I don't like that sort of attitude, but for this... there's not much else to do. Confession does no one any good, and we can all hear how well bottling it up is working out. I'll survive, and hopefully thrive eventually.

-Wally C.